Posting this here just in case I lose it.

Remember when I took a break off of DA and deleted half of my journals because of a rather stupid comment someone posted? Yeah, well, this was one of them, and as such, I'm posting it here as a backup copy.

This was from Mourning Zephyr, one of Equestria Daily's pre-readers. I sent my fic over to them back in September just to risk a first strike and just to get a gauge on their expectations, what they expect from those looking to get on EqD with their fics. I got what I wanted, and here it is.

Please note that I'm still deciding what to do: to heed them, or to just abandon the effort altogether. You will hear from me when I finally complete the (rough draft of) the fic.

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Thank you for submitting your story to Equestria Daily, but unfortunately I cannot recommend it for posting.
 
Purple prose is your primary problem. You aren't trying to impress the reader with your writing (or if you are, you really shouldn't be), so lay off the flowery phrasing, lemony voice, and the unnecessary adjectives and adverbs. Besides that, there was one other big problem that bugged me during the beginning of the story. It took me a minute while reading to figure out exactly what was wrong. It's the lack of perspective. The story isn't really told from anyone's perspective early on and it's extremely weak because of that. Especially the first several paragraphs of the prologue are told completely without perspective.
 
The basic writing would probably be decent if you just moved away from the excessive modifiers and the purple prose.
 
The problems are more or less listed in order of how much harm they caused the story.
 
Look for problems with:
-Purple Prose
-Lack of Perspective
-Show, Don't Tell
-Talking Heads
-Corny Dialogue
-Awkward Phrasing
-Comma Misuse
-Syntax
-Saidism Abuse
 
This is your first strike of a possible three.
 Never stop writing. Never stop improving.
~Pre-reader Mourning Zephyr